A single man’s Valentine’s Day

Enjoy a satirical understanding of Valentine’s Day from the fabricated point of view of a loner on this “special” day


Photo by Austin Hendricks

WHO NEEDS LOVE: This satirical cartoon depicts an angry man on Valentine’s Day. Surrounded by love and affection, he angrily defends himself from the hearts with his umbrella of anger and apathy.

February 14th. For some reason, this day is held in such high regard to the saps of the world. Sure, there is something to be said about happiness, but the deliberate spending of large sums of money on material goods for the enjoyment of another human being that you consider to be ‘yours’ is just out right ridiculous.

In fact, the idea of saying “be mine” on Valentine’s Day is both highly offensive and possessive. Granted, most mean it as a term of endearment, but there is still a triggering and most inhumane manner by which people relay this message: valentines.

Sending someone a cheap piece of chocolate with a note written in barely legible chicken scratch shouldn’t be seen as cute or romantic; it’s just plain cringy. And please, don’t get me started on those couples who are allegedly “meant for each other.”

Finding someone who is made for you is a false expectation for this generation. You WILL NOT find the perfect person, because guess what- people are sort of kind of terrible. The human race- most especially those who are interested in or infatuated by another person- is disgustingly incapable of producing true affection.

Zodiac pairs and matches made in heaven aren’t real either. Unfortunately for all of you, the only advice I have for a single person in search of a mate is- stop looking. Significant others are overrated. Try investing your time in something more productive, such as crying yourself to sleep or spending time with your cats. If you do not own any cats, perhaps you should find a way to get a feline companion.

Another irritating quality held by Valentine’s day is the irksome crowds at the best restaurants in town. All I want to do is enjoy a nice dinner at Olive Garden with myself and my lonely thoughts, but I cannot even step foot in the door because the lovely hostesses have placed a young couple at a table that seats a family of twelve. Restaurants are over-packed, yet there are more empty seats than taken ones!

Because of the years and years of practicing the depressingly abject holiday of Valentine’s Day, our generation will be the one that is trapped in the vicious cycle of self-deprecating crushes and love triangles.

Inevitably, society has brainwashed our generation to need and seek out the affection of others. I do not disrespect this yearning for the company of another human; I simply despise the control that love and physical connection has on our society and our minds.

I get it; the desire to find someone who truly understands you can be overwhelmingly enticing. Humans were made to have companions and to share their lives with another human, but the extent to which they share this companionship makes all the difference. Flaunting your self-fabricated true love with appreciation posts on social media and extensive PDA is a grotesque and offensive way of displaying that you are taken.

It should go without saying that the proper way to display affections is by remaining at least three feet away from each other whenever in public. Truly, I do believe that the best method of sharing your love with the world is by not sharing your love with the world. If anyone has ever said to you that they appreciate seeing you and your significant other together, they were either lying or completely insane. Valentine’s Day is no exception to this rule, as love should remain in the deepest depths of your mind and fickle heart.

All in all, Valentine’s Day is a ridiculous excuse for a holiday. If you want to celebrate true love, feel free to do so, but please do it in the confinement of your home; leave me out of it.